Its not always them - Sometimes youre the toxic one

Its elend always them - Sometimes youre the toxic oneIts not always them - Sometimes youre the toxic oneWhen it comes to self-care, relationships of all types, and living a happier life, the talk of removing toxic people from yur life is common. Articles, books, and advice of all types encourage people to remove the bad vibes bad people, bad food, and bad habits. In truth, that advice is helpful. You only get one life, so subjecting yourself to toxicity is harmful no matter which form it takes. However, its not enough to remove the toxic people - you also need to be honest about your own toxic tendencies.People arent all good or all bad. People are complex. This means that even the best kind of people have the potential to be toxic to someone else. What is important is understanding what type of behavior is toxic, reflecting on your own potentially toxic behaviors, understanding that toxic relationships are everywhere, and realizing that its possible to change those behaviors. Somet imes its not them its you.Recognizing toxic behaviorThere arent many relationships that are effortless. Each person needs to give a little and take a little. Some give a little mora, while some take a little more. Where relationships get difficult is when toxic behavior becomes the norm. Its hard to realize who is being toxic if you dont know which behaviors are toxic to begin with. Here are some examples of toxic behaviorBeing controllingSelfishnessBeing defensiveManipulative behaviorGaslightingNegative talkAbuseThere are endless examples of each of these behaviors. Many times, toxicity is more subtle. Sometimes its not what you say - its how you say it that is toxic. Sometimes its how you treat others. Sometimes its your attitude that is toxic, even if its not aimed at the person who is being affected by it. Toxicity isnt always obvious its how you make the people around you feel and the vibes youre giving off.Self-realization and maturityIt can be hard to admit when youre the pr oblem. To realize youve played the victim instead of analyzing why others dont want to be around you. To admit you get more out of your relationships than you give back. To be honest about making excuses for why you did something wrong or selfish to someone else. However, self-realization is one of the biggest signs of maturity. It is hard apologizing, not getting defensive, and accepting that you hurt someone instead of claiming that you didnt. Being reactive is toxic listening and communicating is the mature and healthy response.There isa connection in our brains between our neurons and how we behave. This means its possible to rewire your brain to increase compassion and make new pathways in the brain between certain behaviors. It takes work to control the part of you that wants to get defensive, be reactive, say something hurtful, or do something selfish, but it is possible. The first step is being mature and making the effort to have some honest self-realization.Toxicity is eve rywhereToxicity exists in all relationships romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, work relationships, etc. Its important to note that just because youre not toxic to your spouse, friends, or family doesnt necessarily mean youre not toxic to your co-workers, for instance. A toxic co-worker or manager might gossip, play favorites, or focus on blaming instead of helping.This can cause disengaged employeesor an unhappy work life, which is dangerous when employment is so important for a persons ability to live and provide. Family relationships can also be toxic, which can be hard since family is permanent, and it can be hard to walk away from a toxic family member. This leads many people to feel safe in being toxic to family since they may think they are not in danger of losing them.In reality, toxicity can happen in every type of relationship imaginable. And, just because youre not toxic to one person, or in one type of relationship, doesnt mean you cant be toxic in another. Its important to be sure youre being honest about your behavior and toxic tendencies in all of your relationships, and not just your friendships or your romantic relationships.Change is possibleNo one is perfect, and everyone has exhibited some toxic tendencies at some point in their life. Admitting that is a sign of maturity and self-realization, which is so important in changing toxic behavior. What is important to know, once youve realized when youre being toxic, is that change is possible. Stop gossiping, saying hurtful things, being selfish, being prideful, jumping to anger, or judging others. Stop expecting everything and giving nothing.While youre removing your own toxic behaviors, remove your toxic vices as well. Work on self-care, loving yourself, and realizing you dont have to be negative to demand respect. Work on being mindful, removing the toxic food and drinks from your life, and making healthy choices.Theres a reason why you might subject yourself to toxic a nd unhealthy foods, and it may be similar to why you subject yourself to toxic or unhealthy behaviors. Behaviors are learned. But that means they can be unlearned as well. Change is possible as long as you do the work.Admitting the problem is sometimes the hardest step. Realizing youre a toxic person to others doesnt mean youre the only one oftentimes it can be both people in a relationship. The advice that you always read about removing the toxic people from you life is still true. Sometimes, that person is you. It means removing your own toxic behavior in addition to removing the others in your life who are toxic.Its also about being better to yourself. How you talk to yourself, what you eat, how healthy your choices are, your mental health, and your own self-worth are all tied into why youre being toxic in the first place. Admitting when youre the toxic one is the first step. The next is to make the changes for those around you - and for you as well.This article was originally p ublished on YourCoffeeBreak.

Body language pros on the ways your movements show stress

Body language pros on the ways your movements show stressBody language pros on the ways your movements show stressYou are careful with your email etiquette - always signing off kindly and professionally and never shooting off a passive-aggressive response after a cocktail- but what about the messages youre sending silently? While many professionals have mastered the fine art of exuding confidence during meetings and networking events, when youre faced with a stressful situation in the office, your body language might get the best of you.Career expert and founder of Comepelle Communications Nellie OBrien says these subconscious reactions account for 93% of the judgments people make about you- so if youre not paying attention, you should be. Its important to understand how suggestible your audience can be and how easily we are influenced by what we perceive visually, she explains. If you look credible, I believe what you are saying. If you appear passionate, I feel that passion. If yo u appear approachable, I like your message. If you look uncomfortable or doubtful, I am uncomfortable and doubtful about you and what you are saying.Here, body language pros analyze the signals you might not realize youre sendingYour manager just added another task to your overflowing responsibilitiesUgh. You already felt bombarded with deadlines and meetings, and now your manager is throwing yet another deliverable into your hat. When this happens, you will probably suddenly feel intensely overwhelmed, resulting in your head and shoulder dropping, as though the actual weight has been added to your back, OBrien says. You are now in a physically weak sttte which makes you appear and feel whiny and/or easily manipulated - neither of which is very pretty and both will hurt your case, she shares.You might also audibly sign to release the anxiety but OBrien challenges professionals to do the opposite Because you need to debate deadlines or your current capacity, you have to build yourse lf stronger, which reaps respect. Inflate, gather and channel your energy to a strong position of strength and credibility. Bring your chest up and allow the air to fill you and raise you to the height you deserve so that you can make a reasonable case for how the situation might be resolved, she says.Youre missing an important social event to meet a deadline at workThe first date with someone promising - or an important date night you promised to your partner ages ago. Your daughters or nieces playoff soccer game. A happy hour gathering with a long lost friend you backpacked through Europe with a decade ago. When you are looking forward to a special social event and then your boss asks you to stay late to finish an ASAP project, life coach Ellyn Schinke, MS, says youre likely to pace, hunch, tap your foot, stare out the window, cross your arms and fake your smile. These are all examples of how your body is exuding whats running through your head. Youre experiencing anxiety, boredo m and potentially even displeasure and frustration in this situation and are attempting to mask that displeasure through distraction, she explains.The task has to get done - and you want to at least make an appearance for your friends or families. Instead of accepting defeat, Schinke says to buckle down and prioritize work so you can zip through your deliverables instead of fidgeting. Minimizing these repetitive and distracting movements will allow you to focus on the activity at hand at potentially make it to that social event sooner, she adds.Your coworker just dropped the ballSure, your reaction to an undependable colleague highly depends on the dynamic of your working relationship and your personality. No matter what though? Youre likely, well, pissed. After all, when someone promises to complete their end of the bargain and dont, youre left with more work on your plate or a disapproving boss that blames you for missing a deadline, too. When this happens, you can pretty much gu arantee feelings of anger, annoyance, and frustration, causing you to boil over, become passive-aggressive and putting you in danger of a major meltdown.OBrien says your mouth will turn down, your jaw will tense, youll close or put your hands in your pocket. You might even hold onto something tightly, pace or fidget. But when you feel your inner monster beginning to rear its head, dont allow an outburst to diminish your power. If you freak out, OBrien says your coworker will immediately be on the defensive, and now you are both in a closed position physically and mentally.Instead do as your mom always instructed and count to ten. Breathe, straighten your spine, open your hands to signify honesty and reason. Then, OBrien suggests relaxing your face and responding calmly so you can find a resolution and move forward.You had a tense conversation with a clientConsider the last time you had a heated discussion with someone you love. Did you move around a lot? Sigh? anflug your face? Rub your hands? Maybe you even teared up. Though professional in nature, the matters of relationships remain the same with a client Schinke says that when put on the spot to deliver bad news or negotiate a difficult agreement, youll turn to those same coping mechanisms. Youre experiencing nervousness or stress in the situation and youre attempting to soothe your nerves through the use of repetitive behaviors, she explains.Instead of allowing your discomfort to reign over your actions, Schinke says to remain still and continue to breathe. This focus will help you from appearing out of control or heavily impacted, giving you the platform to stand your case and make progress.

5 strategies that top performers use to overcome failure

5 strategies that top performers use to overcome failure5 strategies that top performers use to overcome failureLets face it. Despite all the rage about fail fast and fail forward in Silicon Valley, one fact is undeniable Failure sucks. Its painful. Its embarrassing. When it happens, you want to get into the fetal position and hide underneath your blankets.Failure is also ubiquitous. Even top performers- people we tend to put on a pedestal- got to where they are after failing, failing, and failing some mora. Behind the glamour is the font of messy and imperfect reality that confronts us all.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moraOn theFamous Failurespodcast, I interview the worlds most interesting people about the failures theyve had in their lives and what they learned from them. Based on these interviews, Ive culled together five strategies that top performers use to cope with failur e. As Rocky Balboa said, Life is elend about how hard you hit. Its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.When you inevitably get hit, try one (or more) of these tactics to keep moving forward.1. Isaac Lidsky Quieting your inner criticIsaac Lidskyis an entrepreneur, bestselling author, and coveted speaker. He was a child television star, appearing as series regular Weasel on NBCs Saved By The Bell The New Class. He left his acting career and went on to graduate from Harvard at 19 with an honors degree in mathematics and computer science. He returned to Harvard to study law and became the only blind rolle to clerk on the U.S. Supreme Court (for Justices Sandra Day OConnor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg).Isaac was born with Retinitis Pigmentosa, a rare degenerative disease of the retina. From age 12 to 25, he slowly lost his sight. Using insights from his experiences, he authored the New York Times bestseller,Eyes Wide Open.Heres how Isaac copes with the debilitating inner cr itic that lives inside of our headsWhen I think about our fear of failure and ongoing struggle in the face of big challenges, I think about Teddy Roosevelts brilliant remarks about the critic and the strong man. To my mind, Roosevelts critic embodies our fear of failure, a very pernicious force, this nasty voice in our mind that tells us what we cant do. It tells us what other people are going to think and say about us, and it can be really debilitating.If you listen to the critic in your mind long enough and if youre not careful, you will believe him. Then the criticism becomes self-fulfilling. Once you believe him, it brings about the result you hoped to avoid in the first instance.Think about someone whos a dancer, lets say, who loves their craft and finds joy in it, but is so terrified of the nasty reviews of both that internal critic and external critics, that it keeps them off the stage. They lose the joy in dancing and stop doing it altogether. To me, thats the allegorical he art-breaking example of this dynamic at work.Taking control of your reality is understanding that these nasty messages youre getting from yourself, and this barrage of cues youre getting from what you see around you about what success should look like and what you should be doing, are really just noise. They dont need to govern your life, your behavior, or your decisions, unless you choose to let them do so.I think fundamentally it is all choice. We choose in every single moment how we want to live our lives and who we want to be.2. Adam Grant Mindset and Time TravelAdam Grantis an organizational psychologist, the top-rated professor at Wharton, a coveted speaker, and a prolific author. He is a leading expert on how we can find motivation and meaning, and live more generous and creative lives.Hes the host of the newWorkLife podcast.Heres how Adam copes with failureI think theres a battle between two reactions to failure. One is the defensive, self-protective, this is something that I never want to experience again so Im not going to try anything hard, or new, again. The other is the curious, the pro-active, the gritty, the learning-oriented, fill-in-your-blank set of reactions.What I try to do is choose the latter. Its easier to do that now, knowing that Ive been through it a bunch of times. I dont start out with confidence that Im a good teacher, a good writer, or a good researcher. But I do have confidence that Im good at learning things and Im motivated to get better.In the long run, the person I want to be is the person who says, I didnt give up at something I might have been able to improve at, and eventually excel at.Mental time travel is also helpful. Zooming out, I know that next month, this failure is not going to sting as much as it does today. In a year, I might have even forgotten it, if I look at my past experience. So in the long run, how will I want to have reacted? Its like stepping on the accelerator of the learning reaction.3. Daniel Pink Mea n ReversionDaniel Pinkis the author of seven groundbreaking books, including the 1 New York Times bestsellers,A Whole New MindandDrive. His newest book,When The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, was published in January 2018 and became an instant New York Times bestseller. Heres how Dan uses mean reversion to deal with failureThis is going to sound ridiculously hyper-rational, but its truthful I believe in mean reversion. Things will go up and things go down, but ultimately everything reverts to the mean. If you have some things that are working really well, at some point somethings not going to work well. If you have things that are not working very well, at some point, somethings going to work well.As a consequence, I try not to get too disappointed when things go south. And if something goes well, I feel better than if it doesnt go well, but its not as if Im celebrating and feeling a sense of euphoria. Its more like, Okay, thats good. Im glad. Then I move on.With mean reversi on, you dont get too bummed out by the lows and you dont get too pumped up by the highs. You just do the best work you can in every circumstance. You focus on the work rather than on how the outcome of the work makes you feel.4. Bea Arthur Just do itA child of entrepreneurs,Bea Arthurhas used her tenacity and creativity to become a successful therapist, entrepreneur, and media personality. As a celebrated woman in tech, shes been a TedX speaker, Forbes writer, and the first black woman admitted to Y Combinator, the worlds most prestigious start-up incubator. Heres how Bea finds the motivation to move forward in the face of failureMy family is from goldkste in West Africa. Both of my parents are entrepreneurs. My older sister is an entrepreneur. Africa is the perfect place for the startup mindset because theres very little infrastructure and the idea of starting something and it being orderly just isnt as big. If I walked into a bureau and said, Heres my application for an LLC, that paper isnt going anywhere. So, naturally, theres a by-any-means-necessary kind of mindset. You do what you have to do to make it work.Ill say that Im really blessed to have this fearlessness. I wasnt scared because I didnt know to be scared. Dont do too much homework. Dont listen to too many podcasts. Just do it. You can follow all the formulas you want, but the unique power of execution is in you and the way you do things. Be flexible and dont be too bull-headed.5. Gretchen Rubin Find the fun in failureGretchen Rubinstarted her career in law- including clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day OConnor- before stopping everything to become a writer. Though the transition was pitted with failure, it turned out to be one of the best decisions she made. Not only has she written three New York Times Bestsellers- Better Than Before,The Happiness Project, andHappier at Home- shes also built an enormous readership, sold more than three million books, and started a popular weekly podcas t called Happier with Gretchen Rubin.This is a mantra that has really helped me Enjoy the fun of failure. I think people sometimes have this feeling of shame when they fail. Like, they want to pretend it didnt happen. So, enjoying the fun of failure is trying to recast failure in a more lighthearted way. Dont try to ignore or re-categorize the failure- own it and have fun with it.Failure is part of success- if youre not failing, youre not trying hard enoughnot pushing the boundaries far enough. If Im just doing everything the way Ive always done it, and everythings just kind of trickling along, thats not a good sign.This article first appeared on Ozanvarol.com.Ozan Varol is a rocket scientist turned law professor and bestselling author.Click hereto download a free copy of his e-book, The Contrarian Handbook 8 Principles for Innovating Your Thinking. Along with your free e-book, youll get the Weekly Contrarian - a newsletter that challenges conventional wisdom and changes the way we look at the world (plus access to exclusive content for subscribers only).